How To Set Healthy & Necessary Boundaries

It is only after reaching my mid 20s that I realized the meaning of boundary and why its important to set them.

Before that, I was

• A person who did everything for people before realizing its consequences on my life,
• A person who over-gave and over-extended love, time, money, togetherness, support, unsolicited advice, help, knowledge and what not,
• A person who wondered where time went, felt drained, and also resented others,
• Waited for and wanted people’s validation, acknowledgment, love, and attention,
• Did everything to get something in return,
• And, was dissociated with mind, body, and soul

The list goes on and on.

If you can relate to me till here, then you have come to the right place to

• Take charge of your life
• Re-establish yourself
• Build your identity
• Honor your life and live with a purpose

in this article, I’m going to cover,

1. What is the meaning of a boundary?
2. Why are they important?
3. How to set boundaries?
4. Examples of boundaries at different places
5. Final Thoughts

What is the meaning of a boundary?

“Boundary is a bold act of self love.”

The true meaning of “boundary” is setting some ground rules for self and for others in a respectful and firm manner.

It is a line that you draw based on what you truly feel is right. You have the power to draw that line and create a circle of what comes in and what goes out.

Boundaries in life define your maturity in terms of handling matters of life and creating a peaceful harmony between them.

In order to truly navigate your life amid its uncertainties and unpredictability, personal boundaries help to choose what is really important and what can be set aside. It is a pre-requisite to lead a meaningful and purposeful life.

If you don’t have boundaries, chances are, your life will not be your creation but a loose chain of events. They will all play out based on what other people want and not what you want or how you steer the ship of your life.

Why are they important?

We are taught since childhood that we should be good children.

How?

By agreeing to people and saying “YES” most of the time.

We were taught that whatever we have been told to do, we should do that. What our family has decided for us, we should follow it. Saying “NO” is seen to be harsh. No one wants to hear a NO. If I’m at my work, and I ask my colleague to go out for lunch and the answer to that is a “NO”, surely I would feel bad.

But why is “NO” to be bad?

Saying NO shows a person’s courage and the will to direct things in the way he/she wants. NO is a NO to something else, but a big YES to self. A YES to our own life and commitment we have made to ourselves. This way, we can maintain a balance of life, work, relationships, and development.

We can also remove the negative feelings like burnout, stress, and resentment, if we set clear and healthy boundaries. It is a marker of what is alright, and what is not alright.

Additionally, it lets us know what is truly important in life. It helps us to audit our life and cut the noise amid so many things.

Now we understood what a boundary means and why it’s important. The next question is, how to set healthy boundaries?

How to set healthy boundaries?

We have understood why boundaries are important. Now we shall focus on how to set healthy and necessary boundaries.

• Know Yourself- Life is subjective. What you think is important for you may not be a priority for others. You have to truly understand who you are, what is your value system, what you believe in, why you believe in it, how much important your life areas are for you. These questions will help you find what truly matters and you will be closer at setting boundaries. For example, I really value my solitude. In order to enjoy it, I tell my family, friends, and spouse that, “Hey, I need some alone time to recharge myself. I will get back soon.” This way, you are setting the boundaries while being kind to them.
• Choose your Life- You have to chose one thing. And you have to choose that thing wholeheartedly. Secondly, you can’t say yes to everything. Saying yes to one thing requires saying no to something else. Our time on Earth is limited. We have to choose our time to do the most valuable things, the things that truly matter. For example, if you want to grow and earn good fortune in life, you’ll have to say no to partying out, eating out, & hanging out. You’ll have to spare some good amount of time for your hustle.
• Say “NO” in a respectful manner- Life is not about lashing out things to people and making them act based on our preferences. Its about honoring people as well honoring ourselves in a balanced manner. Life is a balancing act that involves friendship, love, career, growth, and family. And to handle these, it’s important to say “NO” based on the situation you are in and the importance that particular thing holds in your life at that moment. For example, when I spend time on writing a blog, I block out everything around me so that I can focus well. I say NO to my colleagues, I say NO to outings, and I say NO to mindless Instagram scrolling. That is how important it becomes to create boundaries.
• Don’t feel the guilt while saying “NO”- I can write forever on this. This is a very important point. Our society and social fabric have created this notion that people who think about themselves are just selfish. Many people feel the guilt of doing something for themselves. They are made to feel the guilt when what they have done is set some boundary or took a good decision for themselves. Even for myself, I have felt this guilt. Whenever I chose or did something for myself, a sudden thought of guilt would creep in, which would destroy my happiness. But this isn’t the case. Doing something from a place of self love is necessary, and keeping boundaries is a true action in that direction. So don’t feel that guilt. Do the things that will make you proud and happy, but not at the cost of any harm to others.
• Understand the difference- Now there’s a difference between keeping a boundary and being selfish. For you to understand this better, setting boundaries is protecting yourself for your well-being. On the other hand, being selfish is taking care of your needs in an excessive manner that harms other people or is at the expense of other people/living beings wellness. So setting healthy boundaries is a necessity, not a choice. It is a conscious decision for your self.

Now, the next natural question is, what are some examples of healthy boundaries?

Examples of boundaries in different areas of life

Be it health, work, family, and relationships, setting healthy boundaries are necessary. For example,

In my work life, my boundaries are,

1. I will leave from work at 7 and not stay any longer
2. I will value truth and purpose in whatever I’m doing
3. I will not tolerate any rude behavior
4. I will not tolerate favoritism
5. I will respect my colleagues and expect the same while working

In my family life, my boundaries are,

1. I will keep the trust and respect opinions of others
2. I will set some personal time for self
3. I will not visit family functions at the last moment
4. I will not like any invasion of my privacy
5. I will not entertain arguments

In my marital life, my boundaries are,

1. I will not tolerate any disrespect
2. I will not tolerate any cheating
3. I will respect and cherish my partner’s value system
4. I will not engage in high-tone arguments
5. I will expect communication in a good manner

Most importantly, there are some boundaries that we should set for ourselves. For example,

1. I will go to bed before 12 PM and not over-extend
2. I will brush my teeth at night daily
3. I will always be truthful to myself
4. I will act against any unjust behavior of people towards myself
5. I will work for things that have my heart

Hence, these are some examples of boundaries that we need to be firm about. But what about clearly communicating them? This is a different ball game.

How to clearly communicate your boundaries

Setting boundaries is the first step. Clearly having the guts to communicate them to people and pave our way requires a strong resolve.

You will have to understand the importance of your boundaries and how much they mean to you when you are setting them.

Secondly, telling them to others in a kind, respectful manner is crucial. Even if people force you further to do something, make sure that you are strong in your stance. See what the situations really demands from you. From there, make a justifiable and thoughtful decision for yourself.

Final Thoughts

Lastly, I want to add that boundaries are a huge segment in defining what we really want in life. It paves the way to do things that truly matter. So have the courage, have the strength, follow these steps and you are good to go!